Facebook I need your help! My most challenging relationship my whole life has been my relationship with my Mother. I'm a huge believer in forgiveness, lucky for her, or I would not even be struggling with this today.
My mother was never big on encouragement, (even college) Hugs, or even being remotely evolved in my interests (including modeling & sports). I got lots of tough love, nights being raised by grandparents and freedom to do as I pleased. The freedom turned into trouble by my early teens and of course it was my fault, not lack of a parenting (I'll leave my dad out of this note).
By the age of 14 my mom and I were oil and water to the most extreme case. She did and said many very hurtful things. Some things she does not regret because she lashes out and says them sometimes nowadays. By 16 she lost custody and I no longer lived with her and or relationship was C.E.B. (Christmas, Easter, Birthdays) when we passed through relatives. I was independent, brave and confident. She was angry stubborn and confused. We had gaps of years with maybe only cards until I grew up and decided to truly forgive for me and not her. It would be the hardest decision because I feel myself having to make it over and over again questioning my motive.
We all know when you feel good about yourself, you don't belittle others. It is people who have trouble and misery, people who don't feel good who bring others down.
I know my mom is an unhappy person at heart and struggles with other things, although she would never admit, I'm the only person she can take it out on and she does not hold back. The moments I need her to tell me I'm doing the right thing she will go into a screaming rage and suggest horrible things about me that are not true, and that I'm a disappointment. She is a very beautiful but very ugly person that is smart and likes to see how much control and power she can get. The older, more confident, wiser I get the battle continues and sometimes I feel like shes jealous also. I see through her clearly and she is a whole different woman thin I. I have accepted she will not be the mother I want. Where my challenge comes in is.... She is very hurtful. I have let many people out of my life that drug me down, were not good for me, were toxic so to speak. I look back and they are some of the best decisions of my life! I would not have had the room, time or energy in my life for the 'greatness' if I hung on to the 'toxic'. (get my drift) I'm moving from my hometown in a few short months and have tried to fix my relationship with my mother because I don't know when I will be back and I don't want to have regrets. It is turning into one of the most emotional trying tasks. I had to make the tough choice a few years ago that I could not have my father in my life and I'm asking now At what cost do you maintain a relationship with a parent? and how without going crazy myself?
It's strange how we relate on so many levels. I've had a similar relationship with my father. Although he never discouraged me from reaching my goals he was pretty much absent as a parent. Alcohol took its toll on him and unfortunately he wasn't there when my brothers and I needed him the most. Years ago we got reacquainted but he was still drinking heavily and didn't seem like he was ready to influence my life in a positive way. It was then when I let go. I forgave him for not being there but decided if I wanted to be the best person I could be and reach my goals I had to move on. I know it may seem difficult and probably not the best thing to do but as you are doing with your career you must follow your heart. At the end of day the best decision you can make is the one that makes you happy.
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