Mar 19, 2010
The People That Know Me & I Don't Know Them
So last Night Was St. Patrick's Day. I'm 100% Irish all the time and last night was not an exception. I grew up in this very same town and for the most part we know each other. Well, with the exception of the college children that come every year and find a way into our bars, houses, and lives. So I had a few of the "I know you" encounters last night that have been happening more and more. I'm not talking about the random guy saying "yo, I know you" I have a nickname I have gone by to those that I grew up with and if you know me you know what people call me. But someone calling me that (my real name) is my first clue their not lying. Recently the girl ringing up my grocery swore we were best friends in elementary school. Looking at her name tag that read "Ashley"on her work shirt I felt like a huge jerk not knowing who she was. She knew my dogs name, what color my bedroom was when I was 9 and that we camped out for my birthday in 6th grade. Then this guy comes over to me at a restaurant and is very happy and clearly knows me and I just had to say "I'm sorry whats you're first name again?". "He even commented Its cool because we are facebook friends now!" Week after week I feel like a jerk, when I don't recognize these people at all! So last night my friends and I are out celebrating and this guy our age says "I know you!" and "I'm thinking oh shit"... he asks the typical .. "where did you go to school, what year did you graduate?" and he put it together fast that I sat next to him in 3rd grade and that we attended school together the whole way through after reciting teachers names. He knew my name and he even told an embarrassing story about me bringing my teeth to school for show and tell after having some removed to have braces put in. I must have asked his name 3 times, (it may or may not have been Tony) and he looked so disappointed each time. I fell terrible because he was very sweet. I'm even more baffled that this continues to occur. Who are these people? I'm too young for Alzheimer. I was not a bratty child, I was friends with everyone and should remember these people. Now I feel like a bitchy adult and I wonder if this happens to other people? Do you frequently run into people that recognize you and clearly know you and you haven't the faintest clue who they might be?
Mar 12, 2010
The Most Difficult Woman I Love
Facebook I need your help! My most challenging relationship my whole life has been my relationship with my Mother. I'm a huge believer in forgiveness, lucky for her, or I would not even be struggling with this today.
My mother was never big on encouragement, (even college) Hugs, or even being remotely evolved in my interests (including modeling & sports). I got lots of tough love, nights being raised by grandparents and freedom to do as I pleased. The freedom turned into trouble by my early teens and of course it was my fault, not lack of a parenting (I'll leave my dad out of this note).
By the age of 14 my mom and I were oil and water to the most extreme case. She did and said many very hurtful things. Some things she does not regret because she lashes out and says them sometimes nowadays. By 16 she lost custody and I no longer lived with her and or relationship was C.E.B. (Christmas, Easter, Birthdays) when we passed through relatives. I was independent, brave and confident. She was angry stubborn and confused. We had gaps of years with maybe only cards until I grew up and decided to truly forgive for me and not her. It would be the hardest decision because I feel myself having to make it over and over again questioning my motive.
We all know when you feel good about yourself, you don't belittle others. It is people who have trouble and misery, people who don't feel good who bring others down.
I know my mom is an unhappy person at heart and struggles with other things, although she would never admit, I'm the only person she can take it out on and she does not hold back. The moments I need her to tell me I'm doing the right thing she will go into a screaming rage and suggest horrible things about me that are not true, and that I'm a disappointment. She is a very beautiful but very ugly person that is smart and likes to see how much control and power she can get. The older, more confident, wiser I get the battle continues and sometimes I feel like shes jealous also. I see through her clearly and she is a whole different woman thin I. I have accepted she will not be the mother I want. Where my challenge comes in is.... She is very hurtful. I have let many people out of my life that drug me down, were not good for me, were toxic so to speak. I look back and they are some of the best decisions of my life! I would not have had the room, time or energy in my life for the 'greatness' if I hung on to the 'toxic'. (get my drift) I'm moving from my hometown in a few short months and have tried to fix my relationship with my mother because I don't know when I will be back and I don't want to have regrets. It is turning into one of the most emotional trying tasks. I had to make the tough choice a few years ago that I could not have my father in my life and I'm asking now At what cost do you maintain a relationship with a parent? and how without going crazy myself?
My mother was never big on encouragement, (even college) Hugs, or even being remotely evolved in my interests (including modeling & sports). I got lots of tough love, nights being raised by grandparents and freedom to do as I pleased. The freedom turned into trouble by my early teens and of course it was my fault, not lack of a parenting (I'll leave my dad out of this note).
By the age of 14 my mom and I were oil and water to the most extreme case. She did and said many very hurtful things. Some things she does not regret because she lashes out and says them sometimes nowadays. By 16 she lost custody and I no longer lived with her and or relationship was C.E.B. (Christmas, Easter, Birthdays) when we passed through relatives. I was independent, brave and confident. She was angry stubborn and confused. We had gaps of years with maybe only cards until I grew up and decided to truly forgive for me and not her. It would be the hardest decision because I feel myself having to make it over and over again questioning my motive.
We all know when you feel good about yourself, you don't belittle others. It is people who have trouble and misery, people who don't feel good who bring others down.
I know my mom is an unhappy person at heart and struggles with other things, although she would never admit, I'm the only person she can take it out on and she does not hold back. The moments I need her to tell me I'm doing the right thing she will go into a screaming rage and suggest horrible things about me that are not true, and that I'm a disappointment. She is a very beautiful but very ugly person that is smart and likes to see how much control and power she can get. The older, more confident, wiser I get the battle continues and sometimes I feel like shes jealous also. I see through her clearly and she is a whole different woman thin I. I have accepted she will not be the mother I want. Where my challenge comes in is.... She is very hurtful. I have let many people out of my life that drug me down, were not good for me, were toxic so to speak. I look back and they are some of the best decisions of my life! I would not have had the room, time or energy in my life for the 'greatness' if I hung on to the 'toxic'. (get my drift) I'm moving from my hometown in a few short months and have tried to fix my relationship with my mother because I don't know when I will be back and I don't want to have regrets. It is turning into one of the most emotional trying tasks. I had to make the tough choice a few years ago that I could not have my father in my life and I'm asking now At what cost do you maintain a relationship with a parent? and how without going crazy myself?
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